Backwards working (again)

April 20/12.

Couldn't find it in my soul (or schedule) to write

since Jerry Lewis last Friday the 13th. Giving the scoop now to catch up. (Yep, working backwards again).

(or, more to the point, like Jerry's 1980 movie, - Hardly Working).

My son, Max, took this shot today, sporting my hot, sexy new bling - a holter monitor and flashy electrode patches. So attractive. So De-lightful. So De-licious. So De-lovely. (not)!

The sensitive monitor records your heart's electrical activity. I'm HIGH voltage even at the worst of times, so the contraption should have NO problem picking up "Good Good Good"/(Bad?) vibrations. I've been experiencing crazy palpitations for months, indicating, - what?.......hmmmmmmmm, I'm stressed? Overwhelmed? Freaked? Losin' it? Hitting a GPS brick wall? Jumping the shark? Letting my freak flag fly? Outta control? Over-worked? Under-paid? Intensity Entity-attacked? Heartbroken? Living in The Twilight Zone? (only The Shadow, or maybe Rod Serling, knows for sure)!

"Oh, I KNOW FOR SURE Lain. But I'll never tell. No spoilers here. - For now, you are always welcome to listen to my theme music. It explains a LOT. Love, your good friend, Rod."


Sit-on-edge-of-seat. Cue creepy music. (LOVE it!!!!)

I want a PRETTY-in-pink Princess Margaret pic, - so I'll use this old, (last) summer-y, gauz-y, float-y one.(OK with YOU??)

- (instead of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly REAL deal). Gak. This is how I ACTUALLY looked when I went to the cardiologist's office to get hooked up to the maniacal monitor.

I was instructed NOT to take a shower for 48 hours while wearing this darn-fangled thing.  WTF??
YOU MUST BE OUTTA YOUR COTTEN-PICKEN' MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is just NOT an option!

Anyone who knows me, knows showerless days are NOT possible. Just NO way. So, I wrapped myself in a massive clear plastic bag to protect the machinery - (and if you think I would reveal my face under the towel, you know me even LESS!) Like The Elephant Man, I covered up, washed off the industrial strength waterproof mascara and eye makeup, then scrubbed my hair using the shower hose over the bathtub. Such a beautiful sight. Ha ha! (in situations like this, despite palpitations & anxiety, you MUST keep your sense of humour, or die).

But I had a bit of a problem. Upon attempting to remove the plastic bag, it was stuck to my skin with water. I have NO patience. Tried to tear/rip/yank it off, but no luck. So grabbed a pair of scissors to CUT the bag off. In the process, managed to slice one of the holter monitor wires! Good God.

I was all alone, but SOOOOOOOOOOOO embarrassed.  I felt like my comic idol, Lucy, stuck with the loving cup on her head. WHHHAT TO DO????????

I quickly called Grace, (my cardiologist's secretary) to reveal and admit my tale of woe. She hesitated. The phone was suddenly nothing but dead air. I could hardly breathe, (and my palpitations had reached NEW HEIGHTS!!! How ironic). She told me, "In all my years here, this has NEVER happened before." I said I believed her. She then hit me with the fact that this elaborate piece of equipment is EXTREMELY expensive. (knew that too). She said she didn't have a clue what to tell me to do! I said I would come in the next morning, give her back the monitor and maybe they could salvage some of the earth-shaking, palpitating data, and give me a new monitor to start all over again. (Ai carumba, another 48 hours of monitoring!!??)

That's what she did.

By 10:15 a.m., I was home again, feeling like an idiot - (or the star of a new sit-com). I don't think a comedy writer could even come up with THIS storyline!

Worse than tripping over an ottoman a la Dick Van Dyke,

 or sliding hysterically through the door like Kramer into Jerry's apartment!

But a good friend of mine talked me through the insane mishap, told me to calm down, cool off, shut up, visit the wailing wall in Israel, forgive myself,

cut, print, move on!

Later, I ran into Aubrey Bolton, (one of my blog musical mascots). His ever-present bro, Dana, was nowhere to be found, but Aubrey played me a tune, I bought him a beer & he asked about the electrode on my neck. Told him I'm stressed,  (then thought, I'M STRESSED? How about HIM?- out on the street)! He explained he has girlfriend troubles, saying he gives her EVERYTHING, but it's never enough, so he moved out. One of his fans, a guy named Jerry, (LOVE that name), took our pic together here. Aubrey divulged to me he's now living with a friend who owns a computer, so at long last, he can look up my blog and see ALL the pics I've posted of the Bolton Bros!! (I'm silent prez of their fanclub)!

More to come.
I can remove the holter montior at 10 a.m. Sunday. (and NO ONE will stop me from washing my hair).

Once more with feeling!

September 24/11.

I'm back!!! (ya, I know, that was pretty darn quick, but it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind)! Dumb quote. Had to look up the word prerogative several times to find the spelling. STILL not sure if it's right.

Was mad at the world when I decided to shut down the blog. So many people have hounded me about revealing too much or not being private enough here. But why in tarnation would I WANT to be private when writing a personal experience blog? Makes no sense whatsoever! The strange thing is, the more people told me I was too "out there", the more I had the urge to push the envelope. Whenever I would question myself how far I wanted to go, the more I felt like channeling the late, great Pierre Trudeau:

"Just WATCH me!"

My beautiful daughter, Kate,

doesn't listen to the world of complaints and advised me to pay no attention to critics and just write what I really want to say! A couple of other friends alerted me they can't have coffee in the morning without my blog, so WTF - going back to it!

When I first started writing, it was to chronicle the convoluted journey/experience of cancer and to tell it the way it actually happens with no lollipops and roses (unless they arrived at the door!) It never occurred to me that ANYONE would express concern I'm divulging too much! If anything, I thought people might say I'm holding back! (which I AM).

When I first told my TV comedy scriptwriter friend, Bruce Kirschbaum (Emmy award winning writer for Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Curb Your Enthusiasm), about my simple idea for the blog, he enthusiastically responded in his usual wild, stream-of-consciousness style. (with permission to quote him here).

Bruce Kirschbaum with his friend, Larry David.

Before I had written a single blog entry, Bruce told me:
"Remember, the most important thing is say to yourself, 'I want to live.' That's the macro view - do what needs to be done to live. Keep your eye on the prize. The ultimate goal is to get your health back. But this blog idea could be a wide ranging soapbox for you. It might surprise you! It could start off as a blog, but you might find yourself stepping into the map of unexpected places. It can be funny, it might be meditation and reflection. You say you want to tell it like it is, no candy-coating. So the guidepost is honesty, but it runs the gamut. This could be a platform to go into very wide-ranging terrain".

I didn't know exactly what he was talking about, but, turns out, he was right. The medical material soon spun out into stories about life, love, emotional highs & lows and daily tales of "Intensity Entity" - (some kind of weird being who (which?) suddenly entered my body a short time after surgery in April, and then lived within, keeping me wide awake and revved up for months, with next-to-no sleep, no desire to eat and an abundance of overwheming energy which brought my weight down from 120 to 95 lbs. in just three months.

I soon realized I.E. was equal parts fear, relief and stress, all mixed in with smouldering sexuality, brimming just beneath the surface, apparently trying its best to drive me right over the edge. The fanastic physicality of this manic "I.E. earth-shaking energy" was almost impossible to describe to anyone, but the symptoms included a racing heart, an over-the-top, constant insane feeling of well-being (perhaps from a new lease on life?), complete lack of fatigue (which is rare while undergoing radiation) and the drastic desire to ditch all my "granny undergarments" and immediately replace them with hot lacey items from La Vie En Rose and La Senza. And as for those sports bras I wore for years? Fuhgeddaboudit!

Afterall, not only did the doctors save my life, but also my breast, and I wanted to show it all off and enjoy every minute! Upon reading the blog, my friend, Kim Gertler (former Global TV producer) made me laugh by advising me to just, "Embrace the vixen within!" (he was always terrific with a headline!)

As I said in the beginning, I'm back! - So clear the deck, get out of the frickin' driveway and look out! Here comes trouble!

Move on down the road!

July 27/11.

Getting there! 12 treatments down. Only 4 to go.
Winding down. (or is it UP??)

I almost feel guilty that there are so many people going thru such tough times with radiation and everything else, but I'm feeling better than ever.

How is it possible?? Don't know WHY, don't know HOW, don't know WHAT is making this happen, but thank God for it. (Mum, seriously, is it YOU? - Wouldn't be surprised if she was saying to me, "Hi dear. Your Gramma, Uncle Ev & I are NOT going to let you suffer any side effects! We formed a committee and that's the unanimous decision!")

Today's "radiation table mind trip" took me camping! (Carrie, if you or Paul see this, you will be in hysterics! YES!! I went camping, in my head! And it was actually FUN! Details stop here. What happens in Algonquin Park, STAYS in Algonquin Park) Radiation Muzak? Can't take it....What the World Needs Now is Love. No! NOT accepting it! Bring on Bryn Christopher this minute. Take my breath away Bryn!! (as you do every day in the car).

OK gang. At a loss here. Had SO many "props" with me in the change room, I couldn't decide WHAT dressing room pic to to use today! So, what the hell? Let 'er rip! - I'll flash them ALL for you!!!!!! (Hope you're laughin' here!) - Do you know how LONG it takes to "bend" the edges of a medical gown into something hot? Well, pretty much impossible. Call a designer, STAT!!

Writing this blog gives me such a lift, - trying to come up with something, anything, to give readers a giggle. Instead of choosing ONE
change room look, giving you my all! (To quote Kramer again, "I'm OUT
there Jerry, and I'm LOVIN' it")!! - Try to remember, I have, - like two minutes in the change room to create this, before someone discovers what I'm doing and knocks on the door! I work fast. The news biz taught me how.
(Man I miss fast!) Breathless here. Love it!!

While I was in the atrium, freaked, when I saw this sign!!!!!!!!
(I know, it's dim).

Couldn't believe it, - my family members, Franc & Mary, will be PLAYING IN THE ATRIUM on Wednesday August 3rd!! This HAS to be from on high...
(or from the beyond-phenomenal Kevin Shea at the Princess Margaret Foundation), or from, who knows?

Franc & Mary will BE there, performing, on my LAST day of radiation! (Coincidence? I think NOT!!!!!)

On top of this, my last treatment day was SUPPOSED to be Tuesday August 2nd, but, I was told, due to the Civic Holiday, it will be PUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHED till Wednesday. So, guess what? I will be celebrating my brains out with Franc and Mary - (and, may I add, anyone ELSE who wants to party in the Atrium!) on Wednesday at 1 p.m. when their show wraps up! -
Franc & Mary don't even KNOW this yet! I will bring party hats and noise makers!

Now, to wrap this all up....my own "personal security man" rushed to my aid today to take this #12 pick for me. (He is so sweet and funny, - even saying to me, "How are you going to do #12??) Lemme SHOW you!!

10 + 2 = 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My best pal, Joanne & I concocted the "finger action!" (LOL) I just love having a special guest along to be "on camera" with me! And Bruce! (back in L.A.) - thanks for loaning your wife to me! Wish you were here too. You could have written some brilliant, Emmy-winning, Kramer-like moments for us!!

Bring on #13! It's ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLWAYS lucky!!!!
Can't wait for Thursday!

Heavy duty hugs coming your way.

The countdown continues!

July 3/11.

Four days and counting till we have to relinquish the keys to the house. (Don't get me STARTED!!) Then the hidey hole will instantly cease to exist, except in our hearts and minds. I complain about the never-ending work, but now, I never want it to end, ever! - (Be careful what you wish for).

Set to take off (again) from home, to head for another afternoon with Carrie at the hidey hole. - Ready to work!
While I was out, my good friend, Bruce, (plug plug plug - "Emmy award winning writer extraordinaire" - Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Curb Your Enthusiasm), called me and got our machine. Later, his phone message floored me. - (quoting you here Bruce, OK?)

Terrific shot of Bruce (a few years ago), on the writer's strike picket line with his daughter, Laura, and son, Andrew
Bruce said, "Hey Elaine! It's Bruce! It's been a little while. WOOOO! I am trying to keep up with the outpouring of the incredible writing. Just amazing stuff. The last couple of days have been very emotional. It's like watching a movie unfold before your eyes. Selling the house. It's like leading up to the 2nd act break or something. But anyway, - just was calling to say hello and hope all is well. We will talk soon. Bye bye."

Makin' my day here Bruce! After all the years I've been raving about YOUR writing, never expected things to become a mutual admiration society. LOVE it!

Today, we continued work on BOOKS. Mum had SOOOOOOOO many. On every subject you can imagine. Art, travel, medicine, gardening, movies, celebrity bios, television, literature, cooking, Lawrence of Arabia, on and on. Packed them up, box after box. STILL haven't finished. More to crate up tomorrow.

Among the tattered kid's books we discovered - the famous Fox in Socks by Dr. Seuss. - (just a fun book, right?) Nope.

When Carrie was a kid, she had an INTENSE fear of one particular illustration from that wacky book. Something about the way the two characters - (Fox and Knox) were staring into each other's eyes - and the shape of their big hands really disturbed her, to the point of having nightmares for years.

She told me that after I take this photo, the book is going directly to Goodwill, never to be seen by her again for the rest of time!

I had no particular feeling either way about Fox in Socks, however, I did love this one verse, which I remember, as kids, we tried, over and over again, to get the tongue-twisting words out there - fast and furious. I always LOVED to try and talk fast, like an announcer, especially with patter or tongue twisters, but THIS one was a killer!

Clocks on fox tick.
Clocks on Knox tock.
Six sick bricks tick.
Six sick chicks tock.

Carrie also came across this book.

I had NO recollection of it, but when we looked at the inscription, (from our Dad), it said this.

Just seeing that fancy, curly-cue writing brings tears to my eyes. My Dad has always had this unmistakable, pretty writing. He left the family when we were tiny kids, so whenever we would receive a card or letter with that distinctive writing on the envelope, Carrie & I were excited, since we always recognized it was from HIM! He was known as "The Phantom Father" in our house. Dad had to start work every morning at CBC radio in the middle of the night, so he would drop off birthday and Christmas gifts around 3 in the morning on the way to 354 Jarvis Street. We never saw him, (or caught him) but knew he was there. He was the Santa Claus of our real world.

Dad, (Rex Loring) on his apartment balcony in Oakville, overlooking Lake Ontario!
To this day, I LOVE sneaking up to my relative's houses and silently leaving gifts or flowers on the front porch or hanging gift bags from their door handle, the way Dad always did. Sort of sneaky, like The Grinch. (HEY! - Maybe THAT'S why I love The Grinch so much! - Never realized that!)

The Grinch. (Ultimate Sneak).
Always believed a therapist would have a field day talking to me about my Dad. I learned about "secret delivery" (among many other things), from him - the master.

Once we got the books all crated up - I lugged them out into my car. Be damned breast cancer surgery and Sentinel node removal pain! I am woman, hear me friggin' roar, and I will carry thousands of books to the car no matter WHAT you say! - Now, I'm sitting down though! (maybe I should just get Goodwill to cart ME away too!)

Carrie & I have been saving this special canvas, (found in Mum's basement), and painted by our beloved Uncle Ev during his "Everetto" period. We want to give it to Auntie Ray. Check it out. Truly incredible!

On Sunday, we're having lunch with Auntie Ray in the dining room of her seniors condo. (they have GREAT food!!) We will bring this painting for her to keep and will ask her, WHO was Uncle Ev trying to channel here? Is it Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Battista, Sassoferrato? Auntie Ray will know immediately. My guess is Sassoferrato. We shall see! It's like a Columbo mystery. (I miss Peter Falk, who passed away just over a week ago).

"Uh, just one more thing."
And speaking of "one more thing", is it any wonder I fell in love decades ago with the news biz, - (and newsMEN) - and generally, all-things-news-related?

BOTH my parents instilled in me a keen interest in, and curiousity about world events, newsmakers and people everywhere. And guess what? - I ended up a diehard news junkie. Sigh. - (in fact, hang on just a sec. Gotta go listen to NEWSTALK 1010 right now to learn the latest and hear them alert me, "Now you're caught up on what's happening!") - otherwise, I won't believe it!

In between blaring Bryn Christopher songs on the CD player, I'm listening to NEWSTALK 1010 for news fixes.
During the (ongoing) massive basement cleanout at Mum's, came across several unbelievable old news articles, which Mum saved.

Carrie insists we can't throw them out, so we've asked Sam to list them on eBay and try to hook up with someone who will appreciate that "old news is good news"!

Meanwhile, Kate dressed up and attended the Dyke March today.

The incredible Henry, (one of my favourite among Kate's array of unbelievably talented friends!)

The gorgeous Cadence. Va va voom!

Mayor Rob Ford - "there in spirit??" - NOT!!

And coming up on Sunday? - Pride parade!!