Once more with feeling!

September 24/11.

I'm back!!! (ya, I know, that was pretty darn quick, but it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind)! Dumb quote. Had to look up the word prerogative several times to find the spelling. STILL not sure if it's right.

Was mad at the world when I decided to shut down the blog. So many people have hounded me about revealing too much or not being private enough here. But why in tarnation would I WANT to be private when writing a personal experience blog? Makes no sense whatsoever! The strange thing is, the more people told me I was too "out there", the more I had the urge to push the envelope. Whenever I would question myself how far I wanted to go, the more I felt like channeling the late, great Pierre Trudeau:

"Just WATCH me!"

My beautiful daughter, Kate,

doesn't listen to the world of complaints and advised me to pay no attention to critics and just write what I really want to say! A couple of other friends alerted me they can't have coffee in the morning without my blog, so WTF - going back to it!

When I first started writing, it was to chronicle the convoluted journey/experience of cancer and to tell it the way it actually happens with no lollipops and roses (unless they arrived at the door!) It never occurred to me that ANYONE would express concern I'm divulging too much! If anything, I thought people might say I'm holding back! (which I AM).

When I first told my TV comedy scriptwriter friend, Bruce Kirschbaum (Emmy award winning writer for Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Curb Your Enthusiasm), about my simple idea for the blog, he enthusiastically responded in his usual wild, stream-of-consciousness style. (with permission to quote him here).

Bruce Kirschbaum with his friend, Larry David.

Before I had written a single blog entry, Bruce told me:
"Remember, the most important thing is say to yourself, 'I want to live.' That's the macro view - do what needs to be done to live. Keep your eye on the prize. The ultimate goal is to get your health back. But this blog idea could be a wide ranging soapbox for you. It might surprise you! It could start off as a blog, but you might find yourself stepping into the map of unexpected places. It can be funny, it might be meditation and reflection. You say you want to tell it like it is, no candy-coating. So the guidepost is honesty, but it runs the gamut. This could be a platform to go into very wide-ranging terrain".

I didn't know exactly what he was talking about, but, turns out, he was right. The medical material soon spun out into stories about life, love, emotional highs & lows and daily tales of "Intensity Entity" - (some kind of weird being who (which?) suddenly entered my body a short time after surgery in April, and then lived within, keeping me wide awake and revved up for months, with next-to-no sleep, no desire to eat and an abundance of overwheming energy which brought my weight down from 120 to 95 lbs. in just three months.

I soon realized I.E. was equal parts fear, relief and stress, all mixed in with smouldering sexuality, brimming just beneath the surface, apparently trying its best to drive me right over the edge. The fanastic physicality of this manic "I.E. earth-shaking energy" was almost impossible to describe to anyone, but the symptoms included a racing heart, an over-the-top, constant insane feeling of well-being (perhaps from a new lease on life?), complete lack of fatigue (which is rare while undergoing radiation) and the drastic desire to ditch all my "granny undergarments" and immediately replace them with hot lacey items from La Vie En Rose and La Senza. And as for those sports bras I wore for years? Fuhgeddaboudit!

Afterall, not only did the doctors save my life, but also my breast, and I wanted to show it all off and enjoy every minute! Upon reading the blog, my friend, Kim Gertler (former Global TV producer) made me laugh by advising me to just, "Embrace the vixen within!" (he was always terrific with a headline!)

As I said in the beginning, I'm back! - So clear the deck, get out of the frickin' driveway and look out! Here comes trouble!