Lain's Log

Backwards working (again)

April 20/12.

Couldn't find it in my soul (or schedule) to write
since Jerry Lewis last Friday the 13th. Giving the scoop now to catch up. (Yep, working backwards again).

(or, more to the point, like Jerry's 1980 movie, - Hardly Working).

My son, Max, took this shot today, sporting my hot, sexy new bling - a holter monitor and flashy electrode patches. So attractive. So De-lightful. So De-licious. So De-lovely. (not)!

The sensitive monitor records your heart's electrical activity. I'm HIGH voltage even at the worst of times, so the contraption should have NO problem picking up "Good Good Good"/(Bad?) vibrations. I've been experiencing crazy palpitations for months, indicating, - what?.......hmmmmmmmm, I'm stressed? Overwhelmed? Freaked? Losin' it? Hitting a GPS brick wall? Jumping the shark? Letting my freak flag fly? Outta control? Over-worked? Under-paid? Intensity Entity-attacked? Heartbroken? Living in The Twilight Zone? (only The Shadow, or maybe Rod Serling, knows for sure)!

"Oh, I KNOW FOR SURE Lain. But I'll never tell. No spoilers here. - For now, you are always welcome to listen to my theme music. It explains a LOT. Love, your good friend, Rod."

Sit-on-edge-of-seat. Cue creepy music. (LOVE it!!!!)

I want a PRETTY-in-pink Princess Margaret pic, - so I'll use this old, (last) summer-y, gauz-y, float-y one.(OK with YOU??)

- (instead of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly REAL deal). Gak. This is how I ACTUALLY looked when I went to the cardiologist's office to get hooked up to the maniacal monitor.

I was instructed NOT to take a shower for 48 hours while wearing this darn-fangled thing.  WTF??
YOU MUST BE OUTTA YOUR COTTEN-PICKEN' MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is just NOT an option!

Anyone who knows me, knows showerless days are NOT possible. Just NO way. So, I wrapped myself in a massive clear plastic bag to protect the machinery - (and if you think I would reveal my face under the towel, you know me even LESS!) Like The Elephant Man, I covered up, washed off the industrial strength waterproof mascara and eye makeup, then scrubbed my hair using the shower hose over the bathtub. Such a beautiful sight. Ha ha! (in situations like this, despite palpitations & anxiety, you MUST keep your sense of humour, or die).

But I had a bit of a problem. Upon attempting to remove the plastic bag, it was stuck to my skin with water. I have NO patience. Tried to tear/rip/yank it off, but no luck. So grabbed a pair of scissors to CUT the bag off. In the process, managed to slice one of the holter monitor wires! Good God.

I was all alone, but SOOOOOOOOOOOO embarrassed.  I felt like my comic idol, Lucy, stuck with the loving cup on her head. WHHHAT TO DO????????

I quickly called Grace, (my cardiologist's secretary) to reveal and admit my tale of woe. She hesitated. The phone was suddenly nothing but dead air. I could hardly breathe, (and my palpitations had reached NEW HEIGHTS!!! How ironic). She told me, "In all my years here, this has NEVER happened before." I said I believed her. She then hit me with the fact that this elaborate piece of equipment is EXTREMELY expensive. (knew that too). She said she didn't have a clue what to tell me to do! I said I would come in the next morning, give her back the monitor and maybe they could salvage some of the earth-shaking, palpitating data, and give me a new monitor to start all over again. (Ai carumba, another 48 hours of monitoring!!??)

That's what she did.

By 10:15 a.m., I was home again, feeling like an idiot - (or the star of a new sit-com). I don't think a comedy writer could even come up with THIS storyline!

Worse than tripping over an ottoman a la Dick Van Dyke,

 or sliding hysterically through the door like Kramer into Jerry's apartment!

But a good friend of mine talked me through the insane mishap, told me to calm down, cool off, shut up, visit the wailing wall in Israel, forgive myself,

cut, print, move on!

Later, I ran into Aubrey Bolton, (one of my blog musical mascots). His ever-present bro, Dana, was nowhere to be found, but Aubrey played me a tune, I bought him a beer & he asked about the electrode on my neck. Told him I'm stressed,  (then thought, I'M STRESSED? How about HIM?- out on the street)! He explained he has girlfriend troubles, saying he gives her EVERYTHING, but it's never enough, so he moved out. One of his fans, a guy named Jerry, (LOVE that name), took our pic together here. Aubrey divulged to me he's now living with a friend who owns a computer, so at long last, he can look up my blog and see ALL the pics I've posted of the Bolton Bros!! (I'm silent prez of their fanclub)!

More to come.
I can remove the holter montior at 10 a.m. Sunday. (and NO ONE will stop me from washing my hair).

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