Lain's Log

Double Trouble - Lock & Load - Ring & Road

  • September 19/16.

This is the story of a sexy, stunning blonde bombshell....(sheesh, - OK, OK, gimme a break! - So I was only tweaking this tale to give it a torrid, tantalizing twist, hoping to grab your attention)!? - Ha!

Will start over. – (Now, - THINK of this intro being read ALOUD by the unforgettable, haunting voice of the late great Rod Serling, brilliant mastermind of The Twilight Zone.

“PICTURE if you WILL, - a hard-working, dismally directionally-challenged, madcap, but captivating, Lennon-capped (YOUNG!?) woman in Riverdale, heading out the door, en route to an appointment. It appeared to be any ordinary, (yet red-hot, burning, blazing, steaming, sizzling, scorching) day. - She departed in her usual - calm, cool, collected manner, - (hmmm...alright, - SCRAP that...darting, daring, DASHING in her routinely reckless, maniacal, frenzied, freaked-out fashion), - never GUESSING her whole world was about to...

blow up REAL good!! - Yeahhh!
(Thanks a LOT Billy Sol Hurok and Big Jim McBob)! - NOT.

I'm talkin' - rockin'!!!!!!

 - Hiding beneath that "prettied-up" pic, - a powerful, powder keg,  awaiting spontaneous combustion. - SIGNPOST up ahead. - WELCOME to our portrait of a woman, teetering on the edge, - heading straight into "The Twilight Zone."

I have many longtime, truthful beliefs. - Example? - The most serious, significant conviction? - Supremely solid, sincere faith. - In what?

There's a divine, celestial force, somewhere out there. - I engage daily in CONVERSATIONAL prayer with this - being? - Despite deep faith - of ANY nature, no one knows, exactly for certain what might await us in an afterlife. They can't TELL - or EXPLAIN it to us. 
But on the flip side, - we will ALL find out.

- Another belief? - (also hugely important), - loyalty to never-ending,

deep-rooted friendships, - like THIS one, -- (here with Joanne and Franelle - in our teens, at the Toronto bus terminal, heading out with them for my FIRST trip to L.A.), - and GOLDEN, glowing, meaningful relationships!

Here are two others. - Just light-hearted ones. - (I THINK)!

1.) I actually DO reside in The Twilight Zone. - It's true!

2.) Even though Allen Funt, 

creator of one of the TV world’s very first reality shows, - (perhaps, even THE first), passed away exactly 17 years ago, - my PERSONAL theory is this. - He faked his own death and slyly, secretly lives on, solely to stalk me, watching my every move, waiting to catch me in my most vulnerable moments for the amusement of others.

The proof begins in the mysterious circumstances of Friday September 2nd. - As I jumped into my “Roadie Mum” - 

famous, familiar Forester to take off - eh? - (Note: THIS shot is just to help me in a "recreation" of that day and beyond). - The car WOULDN'T start! - Battery? - DEAD.

- First time since my lease began, and only ONE MONTH till that lease was set to expire for a NEW vehicle! - (Naturally!)

The demonic Mr. Allen “Fun” Funt, - (age 84), 

crawled into my car, under cloak of darkness, switched on the internal auto-illumination lights, purposely draining the battery, ensuring I could go nowhere in the morning! - (His pranks continue daily in my life, using me to keep sharp for April Fool's Day).

– Already late, - (and NOT smiling, as Funt requested and hoped) - raced back to the house, where I was - AGAIN, shocked out of my mind, 

when my husband, Sam, kindly offered to drive me to the long-booked appointment,

in exchange for a promise to call CAA, immediately upon my return. 

Agreeing, of course, to the demand, off we went, making it to the shrink’s office just five minutes late – (thankfully, while he was still with another patient).

Once sitting down, - spilling my Twilight Zone and 

Allen Funt guts to the Doc,

 he was bewitched, bothered and bewildered by this earth-shattering and fascinating Funt philosophy! 

Took an Uber home afterwards, my head spinning, and called CAA.

Within 20 minutes, - technician arrived, boosted battery 

& advised I visit my Subaru dealership ASAP to check power so I don't cack out on the road again. - Followed instructions - & told, "All is well", 

- then off on my merry way - for MORE mishaps! - (What ELSE?)

Heading towards the next destinations, doing errands, - grocery shopping and all that exciting stuff.

In the midst of this marathon of running in and out of the car, - discovered, - 

my wedding ring had disappeared from my finger! – First time in 32 years. – (Is someone trying to TELL me something?) - Ha! 

And - NO - all these sparklers are NOT my wedding ring. - (what can I say? - I love rings!) - But can't believe I don't have a close-up PHOTO of it! - You can see it here though - the two gold bands. (the engagement ring is turned around, so the diamond isn't visible).

– I suffer from vastroconstriction. – Lots of people do. 

Just call me Cool Hand Luke. - (Sometimes, when in a cool environment, - fingers shrink – or in a warm one, they expand). - The A/C - (someplace-or-other), caused my fingers to shrink, and the delicate, simple, polished gold wedding band fell off. - I didn’t notice right away. 

This isn't the actual band, but looks like it.

- Despite ALL methods to locate it, - the ring is officially now a goner. No stone left unturned. (lousy joke). 

Only have the engagement ring. (and IT was replaced about a decade ago when the diamond fell out). Ai yi yi. - Insurance? - Yes.

 But never the same ring. All steps retraced. Contact number given to any places I stopped. - I’m SURE, (because it was so loose, and likely dropped on to a carpeted area), I didn’t hear the “clink.” - Or possibly it fell down a drain while washing my hands, when the water was running, masking the sound. I don't know. 

- Had to give up the search.

So...heading on home. - AGAIN.

 (Friday afternoon rush-hour traffic), just before 5 p.m., - my passenger side front tire suddenly blowed UP - NO!!!!!!!!!!!

- (right guys, Big Jim & Billy)....
PLEASE...I GET it....I KNOW...I KNOW already..."REALLLL GOOD"!
Shut up!!!!!!!!!

 WTF??????? - Never happened before!

I was on Queensway West (?) - at about Gordon Drive. 
NOWHERE to stop. 

MY side? - Two lanes closed down to one. – Opposite traffic, - ALSO two lanes down to one, with nothing but red construction cones entirely through the centre. - My car - YIKES! -

bouncing like the Fred Flintstone contraption!
- Massive line of traffic behind me. Four way flashers on, but everyone honking! – At long last, spotted a driveway. - Pulled into it. - Phew.

 It was The Mississauga Surgery and Laser Clinic!

(Considered stopping by for a nose job, --

but the place was closed for the weekend). - Forced to call CAA. 
"THAT dizzy blonde again"??

YESSSSS! - AGAIN!!! – Getting ridiculous. - You can't make this shit up!

(2nd of my four-time free assistant requests).

– To kill time, emptied the trunk, 

yanked out this spare, - (in much better condition than my blowed-up-real-good tire, as you can clearly see), 

watched and read the news on my iPhone. – Miraculously, in less than half an hour, - ANOTHER wonderful technician appeared. Together, we got the blown tire off – (which also had a NAIL in it!), - replacing it in record time with the spare. Thank goodness.

– Lost as could be, - at Minneola – and Stavebank – or something – (just TWO streets away from my old childhood home in Port Credit!), - got directions back to downtown T.O. – Made it there in 20 minutes.
I was SUCH a mess, - sweating, crazed, relieved. Stopped in the back driveway to catch my breath and try to end the shaking! - Thought that HAD to be the last of the car calamities. - But I was wrong. - DAMN you FUNT!!

A couple of days later, - on my way to another appointment. - About a km. away from my destination, a stoplight - set to turn green. - Mount Pleasant and St. Clair.

As I went into first gear, the car revved like crazy, but wouldn't MOVE for a few seconds, - then did, - with great difficulty. - This happened over and over, from first gear to second, third to fourth, on and on. The car filled with the awful smell of burning oil. Managed to get to the doctor's office for my appointment, but....yep. - A THIRD call to....CAA!!!

THIS time, the technician had to spend a lot of time hooking my car up to the CAA truck to be towed back to the dealership. - If it's under 10 km., the trip is free. - After a long, slow drive, and chatting away with the young car expert, - it turned out to be 9.5 km. - LOL. - Another 20 minutes to get the car unhooked and the tires back down on "terra firma."

Turned out, the transmission was alright, but the clutch?-not-so-much. 

Had to leave the car overnight, take another Uber home, and the price for the fix? - $1350. - Clutch a mess after only having driven the Forester about 9,500 km. in two years. - Late the next afternoon, back to the dealership, paid up, drove off. 

THIS time? 

I DID - "SMILE for Candid Camera". - (Might placate Funt and finally get him off my case). - Though somehow, I doubt it.

– Took a couple of 10-second digi-cam pics before passing out, 

then home, 

in through that "comforting door", heading immediately to crash on the den couch and relax.
Sort of.

NOW do you believe where I truly reside,  - and that Mr. Funt lives?

Rod Serling: 
“This overwhelmed, tormented, sitting duck of The Stooges’ “Victim of Soi-cum-stance,” is slowly recovering from her bizarre visit to the disastrous, dangerous driveway of the Mississauga Laser Clinic - in – The Twilight Zone.

(cue theme).