Get thru the night! - (& watch out! I have nails now!)

February 18/12.

Ever since being diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago, I've done a lot of things I never imagined I'd do. Cancer messes not only with the body, but the mind, heart & soul. (just in case you didn't know). No excuses. No prisoners. Shit happens & you roll with it, day by day. Some of it, - fantastically fun - ("Intensity Entity"), - never felt anything LIKE it. Absolutely WILD! - Some of it, emotionally painful - (tons 'o tears). The rest of it, just funny as hell. (Carrie? Prickles? Loretta? Franelle? Joanne? Bruce? Bill?) Bring on the laughs! The more, the better. ONLY way to let your freak flag fly! Won't reveal EVERYTHING I've done to cope. Just too frickin' out there. No one would believe it anyway! (unless you've followed this blog from Day ONE). Best concept I CAN give comes from John Lennon. "Whatever gets you thru the night, it's alright, it's alright." Agree with you there Lennon! Go with what works!

Mmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmm....What's helped? Let's see. Mega-blonde hair colour, piles of makeup, tight clothes, lacey La Senza/La Vie En Rose lingerie, high-top boots, wild & crazy emails, radiation table-top fantasies, "Me days," 3 Stooges marathons (an absolute MUST),  Jerry Lewis, House, (Hugh Laurie!), fab voice-over course with Jason Deline, (with demo recording still-to-come on February 21st), Friendly Greek take-out, Henkell, (duh), hot HOT showers, Body Shop vanilla-scented cream, trying to learn digi-photography, Howard Stern, Robin Quivers, the Wack Pack, NewsTalk 1010's Mike Bullard, Jim Richards & Dave Agar, Carrie's "Prickles the porcupine" puppet & videos, family, friends and - the famous flying fickle finger of fate! (not sure if Dick & Dan got fickle finger manicures!) - More to come on that in a sec.

 ("Say good night Dick." - "Good night Dick.") - Sock it to me!!

To quote Norman Bates from Psycho - "We all go a little mad sometimes, haven't you?"

Uh, yep, indeed.

That being said, did something today I've only done ONCE in my life. (for my wedding day). Had a manicure! WTF?  Anyone who knows me must be freaking to read this tidbit of info. UNHEARD of.

Before shot


Being the "calm, cool, collected" individual I am, (NOT!) - I've made annual new years resolutions for DECADES to stop biting my nails. Those "promises" always lasted exactly ONE day. Then, 364 days later, I tried again, with the same result. Over & over & over. But for SOME reason, THIS year, something snapped or zapped. Don't know WHY, don't know HOW, but it did. Had so many OTHER stresses in my life, I just stopped biting! Started to think, "Hey, maybe I can actually get my nails done!" (ha ha! - ya, this is the BEFORE pic...NOT great, but the best my nails have been since, well...ever). I know, a joke, right??

Then, in a grocery store line-up the other day, saw a woman with nails like this! (even BETTER than this actually). I told her she has GORGEOUS nails, and said I've stopped biting and want MINE to look like HERS. She advised me, "Go to a manicurist and ask for Shellac. You'll NEVER want to bite your nails again!" After that brief conversation, all I could think about was Shellac!

Made an appointment for 3:30 p.m. Saturday afternoon at Urban Nails (said to be the BEST salon on the Danforth!) I've been there several times to buy gift cards for other people, but never frequented the place for myself! - (what's the point, when you have no nails?)

Upon entering, encountered the stunning Christine at reception. Perfect hair, makeup, clothing and so very charming. I told her I wanted to meet Kevin Nguyen, (who I'd read about online. He owns the place).

He turned out to be two feet away from me, working on a client!  Asked him if I could take pics at his salon and run them on my blog.  He was very nice, said OK, and even offered to take pics for me! (Gave him the blog address so he can read this later).

After checking my nails, (with a bit of a sigh, LOL), Kevin "assigned me" to Kelly. She turned out to be the loveliest young woman from Vietnam (who grew up in the same town as Kevin!) They worked together at a salon in Cabbagetown and then he launched his own business and she works with him at the Danforth location, three days a week (Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays). She has a nine-and-a-half-month old baby boy and looks after him the rest of the week. Most members of her family live in Toronto now. She moved to T.O. in 2003, with NO skills in English. You'd never know it. I clearly understood every word she said and she is just a delight. I told her, when I come back to Urban Nails, I want to request her, personally. Such a sweetheart. I recommend her highly! - and great at her job!

Kevin kindly came over several times and took pics of Kelly working on my nails. This is the high-speed curing light, to dry nails in just two minutes! Coolio! They also turned on the massage chair, which shocked the hell out of me! Incredible! I think I need to BUY one!

Since my nails are so short, I chose the most natural, light pink Shellac shade. (next time, when my nails are a bit longer, I'll go a little more vibrant).

After shot

This may not look like much of anything to those who've had great nails all their lives, - but for me?
Almost life-changing! Gak! (and I'm NOT trying to give you the finger - of fate, or otherwise!) Thank you Kevin & Kelly! As Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, "I'll be back!"

http://www.urbannails.ca/

Raw Nerves

August 23/11.

It's been a long time since I missed writing a daily blog entry, (unless absolutely forced to by technology, or lack thereof), but I missed one yesterday? Why? Due to the above "title track" - Raw Nerves.

Is it possible I LOOK calm, cool and collected on the outside? I don't even know if that's true!

All I know is what is INSIDE, and that can best be described with my favourite word:

The fab vacation was a welcome respite, but as everyone knows, when you come home, it's back to the same troubles you were grappling with before, and quite likely some new ones too. (not to mention, mountains of laundry and all the work left undone when you took off in the first place!)

Shortly after walking in the door from Orillia, I got word from my beautiful cousin-in-law, Marilyn, that her husband (my first cousin, Kevan), had suffered a bad fall. I hesitated to write this, but have opted to because of the emotional impact it has had on me - and on Carrie.

Carrie & Kevio

Through our whole lives, Kev has been the brother we never had and among the best men I have ever known (and everyone would agree). So, to hear this news, was devastating. He and Mar had been at their cottage this past Friday. Kevan went up on the roof to attend to something there. He was using a ladder which required locking, but the ladder didn't lock properly. When he stepped up, it collapsed, the rungs yanked him by the legs, he toppled off the roof and fell to the ground below, landing, he says, first on his feet and then falling backwards on to his back. Marilyn was a horrified witness to it all. Kev fractured both ankles. They got him to hospital for x-rays and was told, "You're not going anywhere."

Auntie Ray with her son, Kevan. (She jokes that she only had one child because once Kevan arrived, she knew she could never do better)! She raves about him and always tells me, "I am in awe of his accomplishments." Marilyn brought Auntie Ray to visit Kev. He told me it was really bizarre to have HER visiting HIM, as he is only used to going to see HER in hospitals. (Cue Twilight Zone music).

Kevan with my daughter, Kate (who adores her Uncle Kev) at his father-in-law, Jan Kiewiet's art show in Toronto.

At any rate, Kevan has now had surgery on both ankles, to place pins in, etc., and is doing well, but will not be able to walk for many weeks. I had a hospital appointment of my own (at Princess Margaret) yesterday, so afterwards, walked next door to go visit Kev for about 90 minutes. Brought him Druxy's coffee (which he SO appreciated - (you know....hospital coffee? Blech!), plus some cookies and goodies, the Toronto Star, Toronto Sun, New York Times a funny get well card and a notebook to write down some of his thoughts.

We had a great visit, talking about how life can be very surprising and you never know what is waiting for you on any given day. He and Marilyn have been there for me every step of this cancer journey (in ways, I'm not sure they are even aware), so, I am inspired and compelled to do whatever I can for them during this, hopefully short-lived blip on their radar. (I reminded Kev, it was less than four months ago I had my breast cancer surgery, faced with what seemed at the time, a monumental uphill climb, and now, I'm OK!!) He will be too, but it won't be easy. Kevan and wheelchair? - does not compute. I want to go see him again today.

Hard to believe - April 27th, I was on a morphine drip, trying to put on makeup after having a lumpectomy. I can feel that pain even now if I think of it, (though people always say, you forget it. Nope).

Kevan with his Rough Trade partner, Carole Pope. I am quite sure Carole will be doing what she can too, to help Kev and Mar. She has been their friend for 44 years.

It's not easy at all, seeing someone you love this much having to deal with something as challenging as this. But in his usual affable, easy-going manner, Kev is rolling with it all, saying his ever-popular word, "Whatever!" I love you so much Kevan. (and Marilyn and Sacha too). Anything you need??? Name it and I'm there.

So, OK then. Whew. Breathe here. Talked about Kev. Got that out of my shaken-to-the-core-soul. On to the next thing.

Went back to Princess Margaret for a follow-up visit. The radiation specialist, Dr. Lui checked me out and said the breast looks good! (thanks Doc, always nice to hear your breast looks good! lol)

THIS time, no need to hit up a construction worker or even my security guard pal (who saw me and yelled out that I looked beautiful! He is always good for an ego boost!!) My friend, Joanne, was with me, and took the hospital blog shot after my appointment. Thumbs up.

While we were at it, stuck the camera on a post and snapped an auto-pic of the two of us, just a day before she has to go home to L.A. Joanne was my roommate for a long time, at 100 Roehampton, when I was about 21. Her sister, Franelle, was also my roommate, but then she moved to Hollywood to become a scriptwriter. Shortly after that, Joanne moved there too and I was on my own in Toronto. But those Silver sister days have never been forgotten.

Joanne just told me yesterday (and yep, made me cry), that some of the happiest days of her life were the ones she lived with me! I find that hard to believe, (since I'm kinda high maintenance), but made me very happy to hear it anyway! Thankfully, they have remained my friends for life. No matter where or when, they are my true friends and that means the world to me. (More on Joanne & goodbye in a minute).

When I got home, was reeling from the Kev experience, the hospital, Joanne (and a lot of other stuff), and a little later, got an unexpected message that my long lost Seneca College pal, John Axelson, was coming on line to Skype me and to be there or be square! Yikes. With the kind help of Kate & Max (to the rescue again), they were able to set things up for me so I could see John and he could see me. (through my tears and streaming makeup)

Hope he doesn't mind me using this shot of him (by his significant other, Geri Nolan-Hilfiker). Such a cute pic. At any rate, we talked on & off (despite losing computer contact several times), for at least an hour or more. I grabbed his manuscript and asked him all kinds of questions about what I'd read. Have to say I was pretty stunned at some of the answers, which I wasn't expecting. But that's John. Unpredicatable, never what you expect, out there, funny, emotional, hmmmmmmmmm, sounds a bit like ME these days. No WONDER I like his book! And I'm not even halfway through, so we will need to talk again when I'm done.

So - with me so far? All this emotion and high highs, low lows, and then throw "Skyping Axelson" on top of the mix and....yep, pretty much, Ka-BOOM!

Now, back to Joanne for the final farewell.

In the midst of all this drama, you want me to say goodbye TOO?? Good grief.

On days when our schedules allowed, Joanne would come to my house in the morning around 9:30, walk in, make herself some tea, have some mixed nuts from a massive jar, for breakfast, then come upstairs to talk with me, while I sat on the floor doing my hair and makeup. (Joanne was actually my first hairdresser, so she is used to my Phyllis Diller look in the morning - no, no pics please!!!!) We just sit and yak up a storm about everything under the sun. We laugh, cry, commiserate and bolster. It's been a blast. I didn't want it to end. I never want anything to end it seems. But it always does. Now the hard part. U got it. Goodbye.

Joanne never fails to make me laugh - (especially with her "sad" wave goodbye to T.O.!)

I drove Joanne to Bloor and Church where she needed to do an errand and then head off to meet her sister, Valerie and then to the airport to fly back to L.A. Sigh. But before that, stuck the camera on top of the car for a blurry autoshot of the two of us in front of some takeout place.

Not picturesque, not flowery, but real. I was still wearing yesterday's clothes, (thrown on for the drive to Bloor & Church) and yesterday's makeup, not washed off, all smeared and cried on, hair every which way but loose, emotions outta control. Maybe no one else is seeing it (as I talked about in the beginning), but to me, this pic is as raw as it gets. Joanne gave me the tightest hug, told me what a great person I am, how much she enjoyed sharing this time with me, how she wants me to be happy and on and on. I tried to tell her the same, without much success through my tears. Then cried all the way home. The tears weren't helped by the fact that Mum's birthday would have been this week (August 27th) - first one without her. STILL trying to say goodbye to her. (Did I mention I HATE goodbyes?)

Readers who don't know me probably think I should do what Woody Allen says in Manhattan (one of my top 10 fave movies of all time). Woody is dealing with some heavy emotion and says, "I'm stunned. I mean, I'm in a state of...somebody should just throw a blanket over me, you know?"

But then, as in all of Woody's films, there's always that little sparkle of a hint that something good may be just around the corner.

Old friends

July 23/11.

Friendship has always been HUGE with me. My favourite song in the world is You've Got A Friend. (I know it's written by Carole King, but most of my life, I've loved the James Taylor version better than anything). That voice of his, the sweetness, tenderness, beautiful guitar work, his face, hair, killer eyes, - everything hits you directly in the heart. And those lyrics..."Close your eyes, and think of me, and soon I will be there." Sigh. Love it SO much. This is a stunning take. (except for the end, when it cuts off abruptly...hate that!!!!!!!!!!!)



I didn't know WHAT I would write about today. The "Hidey Hole" experience is history. Radiation is on hiatus till Monday. So WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??

But then, I realized, I have the most important thing to write about this day, and that is friendship. Woke up...(well, not exactly. Barely slept at all. GOT up, after NO rest for the wicked), did the whole shower, hair, makeup routine and walked down the street to Withrow Park for the weekly farmer's market, (which I've never attended in all the years we've lived in this neighbourhood!)

My old high school friend, Dean Rogers, invited me to join him at the market to get some goodies. I met him there, and was very surprised when he handed me a gift in a brown paper bag! It contained some Body Shop vanilla-scented cream products, (after he read on the blog that I'm addicted to vanilla)! Dean is amazing. I once wrote here that he is a man who makes things happen! He did today, and will again on Sunday night, as he has invited me, my daughter, Kate and her boyfriend, Damian, to join him for a night of standup comedy at the Absolute Comedy club. Can't wait!
(laughter is the best medicine, right??)

On top of Dean's gift, I also received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my sister-in-law, Jan and her husband, Arlen, in Ottawa. The card was one of encouragement, saying that I was almost done with treatments and wishing me well with the last few hospital visits. Very kind of them, and the flowers grace my table perfectly! (Thank You Jan & Arlen!)

And lastly, my close friend, Joanne Silver, from Los Angeles, arrived in town for a summer holiday and gave me a lovely glass bowl she MADE. So, here's my diningroom table, covered in gifts from great friends!!!!!!

It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO hot out, but Dean took a shot of me, and I tried not to melt! (lol) - Quick! Somebody hand me a fan! Whew, it was baking at Withrow Park!

I ended up really enjoying the market and bought fresh green beans for tonight's dinner, fresh bread and some speciality cheese. (everything turned out to be delish!!) We invited Joanne, her sister, Val and her husband, Dan, to come for a barbeque dinner. We all went out shopping together on the Danforth, which was so much fun. I almost always go shopping alone, and forgot what it was like to shop with friends! Lots of laughs. We bought salmon at the fish store and everything else at Sun Valley, best specialty grocery store in the area. Got lamb skewers, burgers, salad makings, strawberries, raspberries, icecream and lemon tarts!

Everyone helped out in the kitchen to prepare the dinner. It so reminded me of that great cooking scene in The Big Chill where everyone hangs out together, creating a feast. Can't BELIEVE how much easier it is to make a meal when you have so much help and laughter! Thanks you guys!

We spent some time together out in the sunshine on the back deck, while Dan, master barbequer of the universe, prepared the salmon, skewers and burgers for everyone.

But then, it started to pour rain, and Dan had to flip with one hand while holding an umbrella in the other! (Nothing like being invited to dinner and then have to spend your evening working!) But Dan has always been so easy going about these things and he barbeques brilliantly!

Dinner is served! Kate, Damian and Sam joined us at the table. What a great feast and fabulous group!

Later, Max came home with his girlfriend, Robyn, and then, Kate & Max performed a couple of tunes for us - Lucky (Jason Mraz) and The Beatles' I Should Have Known Better. I have talented kids.

Valerie, Dan, Joanne, - plus ME!
All in all, I loved the whole day from beginning to end. It's been a pretty stressful, crazy and nerve-wracking time for me lately, but just looking at this picture makes me smile because I can see how COMPLETELY comfortable and happy I am. This is the me I long to be every day, laughing, calm, barefoot, relaxed, hanging out with my lifelong pals. They're incredible! I have to remember, "When you're down & troubled, - You've Got a Friend!" Thanks for everything gang! Love you!

FINALLY!

May 13/11

Bring it ON McCready!!

This DARN blog site (blogger.com) has been out of service for 24 hours! Wouldn't you KNOW, it HAD to happen on the ONE day I had the BIGGEST news! Anyone following this must have been wondering what the HECK was going on and why I hadn't posted the latest!

So - here it is. (drum roll please).

After seeing "the Man," Dr. David McCready at Princess Margaret Hospital this morning, the word on the pathology results is:

NO spread to the lymph nodes!
They GOT clean margins!
NO further surgery!

There's a good chance I won't need chemo (which would be my dream).
WILL need radiation (which I already knew).

Will soon have meetings with a medical oncologist and a radiation oncologist to work out schedules for future radiation procedures.

The docs told Sam and me it was the BEST NEWS they could possibly have to give! I could barely breathe (in between tears).

Just after getting the good news - Relief!

TOLD you Friday the 13th has always been lucky for me!

Called Carrie right away! (she was so happy she cried. Are you surprised?) Sam texted the kids. Called my Dad, my parents-in-law, Auntie Ray, my cousins, Kevan and Marilyn, sister-in-law Carolyn and some friends and emailed my two other sisters-in-law, Jan and Debbie. They were ALL jumping for joy.

My best friends, Franelle and Joanne (and Joanne's husband Bruce), are so happy for me and sent these messages).

Friday the 13th is still our lucky day!!!!!!!
Love, Franelle
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Yaaaayyy!

We couldn't be more excited! See? The good news is they had caught it so early. There was something positive about this. Couldn't be happier if it was our own armpits and lymph nodes and, well, whatever. Thank God and as thrilled as could be. Don't worry about the blog, celebrate your health. Happy news. Happy day. We're tickled, (as long as we're talking about armpits). Great going.
Love and enjoy the big news. Always in our thoughts,

Bruce and Joanne
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Received MANY more wonderful responses and kind messages on Facebook and want to thank EVERYONE who was pulling for me. The fight's not over yet, but I'm just SO happy to finally KNOW what I'm dealing with and it's all good!

My long battle with courage, led me to look up that word and this is some of what I found.

“Courage is something you just can’t be afraid to have!”
- Frank Burns – M*A*S*H*

“Courage is admitting that you’re afraid and facing that fear directly. Courage is thinking big, aiming high and shooting far. It’s taking a dream and doing anything, risking everything, and stopping at nothing to make it a reality”.
- Caroline Kent

“There comes a time for courage.”
-Jill Loring - (thanks Mum)

Cowardly Lion:
“What makes a king out of a slave?
What makes the flag on the mast to wave?
What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist
or the dusky dusk?
What makes the muskrat guard his musk?
What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder?
What makes the dawn come up like thunder?
What makes the Hottentot so hot?
What puts the ape in apricot?
Whatta they got that I ain’t got”?

Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tinman: “Courage”!

Lion: “You can say that again! Huh?”


Now, go on! Get outta here Cowardly Lion! - Right out the window!

Friday the 13th

May 11/11

This Friday’s all-important appointment to see my surgeon, Dr. David McCready, has been moved up from 11:30 a.m. to 9 a.m. at Princess Margaret Hospital. (So, I’ll be learning the pathology report results two and a half hours sooner!)

During my initial consult with Dr. McCready back in March, he told me we would meet again two weeks following my surgery to “map out a treatment plan.” That plan all hinges on what the results have to say. Best case scenario - (which I’m hoping for and thinking positively about) – is clean margins, no spread and no lymph node involvement. After that, it’s on to radiation - or whatever else the Doc has up his sleeve.

And why SHOULDN’T it be good news? So WHAT if it’s going to be delivered to me on Friday the 13th? That’s always been my LUCKY day. If you’ve read this blog, you already know about the infamous and sneaky Silver sisters.

I met Franelle, Joanne and Valerie Silver back on Friday March the 13th, 1970, (yep, – while waiting at the Toronto airport to greet our teen idol, Bobby Sherman who was coming to town for a concert).


Peace & Love Babe!

I didn’t know it then, but meeting the Silvers turned out to be one of the best and luckiest days of my life! There’s no way even to CONTEMPLATE what my life would have been like without them. Thinking back, several of my boyfriends back then would never have had a date with me, if not for Franelle & Joanne, “covering” for me, (in case my Mum, or anyone else who wanted to interfere, called, looking for me!) – They always had a “line” ready to explain where I was! Bobby brought us all together, and the shenanigans we got up to over the years – truly unbelievable.

The first time I ever flew to Hollywood (my big dream at the time), was with Franelle and Joanne when I was 17. (As Sinatra sings, “It was a very good year”). My Mother was a nervous wreck, considering Hollywood was “sin city” in her mind.

Here’s how we looked on the day we travelled to York Mills subway station to catch a bus to the airport and then take off for a couple of weeks in L.A. (after saving money for a year, from low-paying jobs, or (in MY case), a part-time job, to get there). The trip “cemented” our friendship, as you’ll see.

Me, Joanne & Franelle – fresh-faced kids off to L.A. (1973)

We had such a blast, visiting Grauman’s Chinese Theatre to put our feet in the movie star’s (CEMENT – get it?) footprints, going to TV tapings, looking for celebs, and staying in what we THOUGHT was a fabulous place called the Hollywood-Vine Motel, (it turned out to be a fleabag joint on the strip), but we loved every minute of it!

Our room at the Hollywood-Vine – (not exactly The Ritz!)

Franelle looks at “the view” from our 2nd floor room

Franelle & Joanne with famous footprints at Grauman’s

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Franelle had big ambitions of becoming a TV comedy writer (and she later DID, winning an Emmy for her work on The Carol Burnett Show!) We’d been corresponding with a famous TV writer, Robert C. Dennis who scripted more than 500 episodes of shows like The Mod Squad, Dragnet, Emergency, The FBI, Kojak, Starsky and Hutch and so many others. Strangely, “Robert C,” had been born in Courtright, Ontario, but ended up in California! He invited us to drop by his Hollywood Hills home to talk about the writing biz. We saw stacks and stacks of his scripts, (he even GAVE us a few copies!), and we had such an exciting time visiting with him and his wife. He was very encouraging to Franelle about her goals. Sadly, Robert C. passed away of cancer in 1983. We have never forgotten him.

Me, Joanne and Franelle meet writer Robert C. Dennis

When Franelle and Joanne moved away to live in L.A., I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see them much anymore, but fate intervened and I was unexpectedly hired by Global TV as an entertainment reporter. Little did I know I’d soon be flying to Hollywood for movie junket interviews about once a month, so we were able to get together all the time. Valerie remained in Toronto (like me), so we would all hook up together whenever Franelle or Joanne would fly back home.

Valerie, Franelle & Joanne Silver with Joanne’s son, Andrew Kirschbaum

The Silver sisters have remained my closest pals for 40 years and their friendship has meant the world to me. Even now, so far away, they’ve been completely and whole-heartedly involved in my current predicament, supporting me in more ways than I can even write about in this blog! (some of you may understand what I mean). So why SHOULDN’T I believe that EVERY Friday the 13th will forever and always be my lucky day?

Oh, and on top of all this, in later years, my son Max and I started watching Friday the 13th movies together. Winning! As a lifelong horror movie fanatic, I was thrilled to discover HE loved them as much as me! We’ve shared a ton of fun, screams and laughter ever since, over the scary antics of Jason Voorhees.


Jason comes calling! – Friday the 13th

So, bring it on Dr. McCready! See you at 9 a.m. - on Friday - (the 13th).