Here we go again!

May 26/13.

I've been lucky enough to have two years cancer-free after my breast lumpectomy in April 2011. Has been a wild roller coaster ride of emotion, but I'm still here, hangin' on. I try to enjoy the calmer moments, but they feel few and far between. There always seems to be something just ahead and around the corner, - another road block or hurdle to overcome. Was back at Princess Margaret and also Mt. Sinai for more tests last week. The stress and fear brings on much anxiety. For months, this blog has morphed into more of a personal life story, but I think I have to return for a while to the original concept of a medical blog with no candy coating. One of my most recent tests was an abdominal ultrasound. There's no pain involved, but hearing the results is not exactly a walk in the park. Among the discoveries? - a couple of Bartholin cysts; a tiny 5 mm cortical cyst in the mid/lower pole of the right kidney; small myometrial cysts in the fundal area of the uterus, measuring up to 3 mm, likely due to adenomyosis; and a possible echogenic lesion, suggestive of a polyp in the cervix. (whatever all that means!!) Reading my medical journals now. Ai yi yi.

After hearing all that joyous news, took the time to stroll the courtyard on the 16th floor at Princess Margaret to try and clear my head. It was a beautiful day.

And later, checked the inspirational board in the lobby.

That evening, was able to get my mind off things at a birthday party for my littlest cousin, Sienna, who is turning two! She is sitting on the knee of her stunning Mum, Sacha.

My cousin, Kevio, couldn't believe his granddaughter is hitting the two-year mark! (it actually doesn't happen officially till June 13th, but the party was early).

Kev celebrated at the barbeque, grilling up burgers, hotdogs, veggie dogs and turkey dogs! I had my first burger in as long as I can remember and it was fabulous!

Among the guests, (left to right), my nephew, Lee, Carrie's partner, Paul Nodwell, and my sis, Carrie!

It was quite a bash, especially when Kev's Rough Trade musical partner, Carole Pope showed up! (she was en route to a gig that evening).

It was fun to see a Kevan/Carole reunion!

Max and Kate provided some music!

And so did Lee. He's been selected as one of only eight students to join the vocal music course at Humber in September and has a stunning voice. He sang John Mayer's Stop This Train, one of my fave songs.

Sienna seemed quite into it all!

The food and presentation was amazing.

And of course, there was wine and plenty of snacks, 

and balloons!

A good time was had by all.

Lee and Max (now ages 17 and 18), played under the deck like the old days when they were little kids together! So cute, and now, both GREAT young men! They bring such happiness to our lives.

Sacha and Sienna are both about to return to Malta to see Sienna's Dad for a number of months. They'll be so missed here. Kevan and Marilyn don't want them to leave. Now they'll have to do all their visiting via Skype.

The next day, we drove to Newmarket for another party! This one at the home of Neil and Carolyn (Sam's brother and sister-in-law). It was a welcome-back bash for their daughter, Jenny, visiting for a few days from Edmonton, where she now works. (left to right, Geoff, Debbie, Justin, Neil, Jason, Max, Kate)

We brought Sam's Dad, Ben with us. He loved seeing the whole fam together.

Another day of fantastic food! (my weight is going up!)

All ordered from the Mandarin. Torpedo shrimp galore, ribs, lemon chicken, veggies, sweet and sour sauces,

mango salad, egg rolls, spring rolls and on and on and on!

Jenny was the belle of the ball! What a beauty. Great to see her.

We all checked out the massive swimming pool and sundeck being built next door. Wow!

A big thank you to Carolyn and Neil for opening up their home for such a beautiful party, (despite having just driven home in a mad dash from their Falls Bay place up north!) They still managed to pull it off perfectly!

We got back to Toronto in just enough time to head to Withrow Park 

for the annual Victoria Day fireworks display!

It was really fun to watch the exploding colours in the sky with Kate and Max.

After all the partying, it was onward to Mt. Sinai. I thought it was to talk about the results of the ultrasound, but NO! Another big surprise. I was told I had to have a uterine biopsy (also known as an endometrial biopsy), right there and then. No warning. Nothing. I asked about anaesthetic, maybe some lidocaine, (which is given to many women for this test), but the answer was a firm no. 

All around me were instruments that didn't look too pleasant.

Stuff right out of David Cronenberg's film Dead Ringers - (1988). Yikes.

With straw-like thingamajigs to collect the samples. Get me outta here!

Dr. Alarab told me she'd just done the same procedure on the woman in the next examination room and she had NO problem and was actually laughing through it all. I explained to her, I have a low threshold for pain. Most women get advance notice and are instructed to take up to four Advil before this procedure so the pain won't be so bad, but I wasn't given that advice. (thanks Doc). Lemme tell ya, it hurt like hell and I was yelling out loud. Afterwards? Lots of bleeding and aching inside. Sure as hell glad that's over with - (even though the Doc said she wasn't sure she got enough of a sample and she might have to repeat the test). Terrific.

Oh no! Enter my old blog mascot, The Cowardly Lion!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXhaBHGhUOI

Time to jump out the window and run for the hills!

Now all I have to do is wait three weeks for results, (which may or may not be cancerous).

To make myself feel better, it was off to see my pal

Paul Taylor, master stylist at JC Salons.

He listens to all my tales of woe and sends me home with a better outlook - (and better hair!)

Thank you, as always, Paul!

On Friday, I took a "me day" to do whatever I liked. It was terrific all-around. I have one friend (who prefers to remain anonymous), who never fails to make me laugh and help rid me of anxiety for a day. (only wish that could happen EVERY day). For now, guess I'll stay on the Clonazepam, keep running on the track and breathe deeply.  Fingers crossed, all will be well.

Kids, drama and denim

May 22/11

So, my Canon camera is gone. Spent hours today driving back to all the places I went, retracing my steps, hoping to find it. Posted ads, made phone calls, talked to people in stores, visited the lost & found at The Bay, shops on Augusta Avenue, and ended up driving home, in tears. Someone has a great new camera now and I'll never even get to see the shots I took at Kate's concert yesterday.

The GOOD news is, Sam came through again in the crunch, (which is why he's so good at his job in crisis management). When I got home, he quoted my blog motto from the other day, "Move on!!" Once he came to terms with the fact that the camera is lost forever, he told me he'd made a decision. He'll give me HIS old one, (which is the same as the one I lost, so I'll be able to use it without "retraining!"), and will order a new one for himself. (We'll call it THIS year's wedding anniversary gift)! I'm SO happy to have a camera again. Thank you Sam, for putting up with a wife who endlessly loses things at the drop of a hat. (including hats).

In the meantime, I DO have video I shot at Kate's show at Aspetta in Kensington Market. She did a terrific performance (and was joined by her brother, Max, on a couple of numbers). The stage faces out towards the street noise (including motorcycles racing by), but the sound is still pretty good.

Kate is an expert at writing personal, real life drama in her songs. Each one opens you up to a world of crushes, dating, kissing, flirtations, the electricity of first love, angst and breakups.

One of my favourites is called Used To Be Mine. The first time she played it for me, of course I cried. I wondered how someone this young could have written lyrics so truthful, sad, painful and poignant. Then I remembered. Right. She's 19. (The time when all that intense drama unfolds and plays out, bigtime!)


Kate sings Used To Be Mine - At Aspetta - May 21/11
Guess I'm just a proud Mum, but I really feel that's a beautiful, heartfelt song. Later in the show, Max accompanied her for The Beatles'
I Should Have Known Better. Love it - (especially when they sing, "WHOA!!")


Max & Kate take on I Should Have Known Better - Aspetta - May 21/11

I have pretty amazing and talented kids.

Turning to my own situation - next week I'll be hitting Princess Margaret Hospital for several important appointments to assess my future treatment. For a long while, I was channeling Charlie Sheen's "Winning!" philosophy to keep me on track and feel in fighting mode against cancer. With everything coming up, I thought maybe I'll put aside the Sheen shirt for a few days. I need something new that resonates a little more in my soul. Women have often talked to me about "retail therapy". Not really my thing, but once in a while, you've just gotta have something new!

Have always loved denim, down & dirty, so went after it with a vengeance on Saturday and put a few items on plastic. I hated most of the stuff I saw, but finally found a couple of things to help "empower" me for next week. Kate took some shots to showcase the denim.

Trying out new Hue flare leggings - love them!

And new dark denim jacket (ready for my radiation closeup?)

Also bought a new MAC lipstick, which I'm wearing in the above pics. (had to laugh when I discovered the name of it is "Bombshell!")

Got a couple of other cute clothing items too. Will reveal them soon!
Now I still feel I'll be "Winning!" (even if Charlie isn't around). Where the heck IS he when you need him anyway? Just like the Cowardly Lion, I guess he hightailed it outta here for parts unknown. Catch ya later, Charlie!

Conflicted

April 27/11

Surgery day!

My two blog mascots, Charlie Sheen and the Cowardly Lion, are duking it out in my brain. Should I stay or should I go?

Since I want to live, I am going.

I will speak to you as soon as I possibly can. Thank you to one and all for the kind messages and all the love and support.

Dreams and nightmares

March 21/11

D-Day! (as in - DR. DAVID McCready day!)

Woke up, after a wild and wacky dream. I was in my old house. I thought I heard some noise around the side door - a bird squawking and some scratching or something. Went around to the side and was extremely startled to see an ape, climbing up the wall of the house. When he saw me, he ran away into the backyard. Then I noticed the side door was open and I was FREAKING that someone must have broken in. I walked gingerly up to the door and peaked in. What I saw, was THREE lions! They caught sight of me and started to walk towards me. I turned around to hightail it back to the front of the house, but, as is always the way in dreams, I could only seem to go in slow-mo and couldn't get away as these three lions came after me.
Then I woke up. Yikes. That was not fun. Really hope Dr. McCready does not look like a lion.

Isn't it odd, that all my thoughts these days of the Cowardly Lion, took over my brain in my dream? Nothing but fear fear fear. Drat you Bert Lahr! WHY did you have to be so convincing in that part??



Carrie (who I am now referring to as "Serenity Sis"), heard about the dream and mentioned, at least my sense of humour is still intact! (thank God). She also had a few sage words of advice. Here goes.

"Be brave. Be clear enough thinking that you really LISTEN to what McCready says. Or at least make sure that Sam is your "listening back-up". This is the most important thing here: that you hear what he has to say. A few times before you go, or during: Breathe in slowly through your nose, if you can. Breathe out very slowly while doing a quiet controlled "sssssss". Feel the breath through your body as you do this. Repeat. (It's a singing relaxation exercise)".

Started breathing and getting ready for the consult. Drove kids to school, got home at 9 a.m., listened to Dave Agar's calming voice on Talk 1010 news. Sigh. Did the whole shower/makeup/hair routine, took a 5 mg. Valium (prescribed by my GP for days when the adrenaline is pumping a bit too hard!), packed up everything I needed to take, including a notebook and pen and off we went.

Feeling marginally better this morning than I have the past week. Still very nervous, but I guess once the day arrives, you have to put up or shut up. Strangely, my Toronto Star horoscope today says:

Just step forward with courage and invite fresh magic into your life.