Pain - and tuned to a lower frequency

May 9/11

I've been trying hard to avoid concentrating on the subject of pain for a day or two, because I'm quite sure anyone who checks this blog is sick to death of hearing about it. Not to harp on it, - but what the hell...pain is a BIG issue for me, and sadly, cancer treatment involves pain, - so I will!

I don't enjoy scaring women who may be about to undergo these same procedures, and please realize, I am ONLY reporting my OWN personal experience! Many other women have had these procedures and gotten through them, apparently, relatively pain-free. I salute them, and am HAPPY for them. - (but am not ONE of them!)

My own GP, (as I've written before), has been my doctor for 40 years. She's kind, caring and has watched over the health of my family
all of these years. That's why I've stayed with her - because she is sympathetic and knows EVERYTHING about our history. Yet, when I came to see her a few weeks before my breast cancer surgery, expressing intense fear about surgical pain in regards to the upcoming lumpectomy and removal of Sentinel nodes for biopsy/testing, she looked at me quizzically and asked, calmly, (and, in MY mind, - insanely), "What would the pain be COMING from?? - Are you friggin' kidding me Doc?" This MUST be a candid camera hoax!

She ended up repeating the exact same question a SECOND time, later in our conversation! Not having ever undergone surgery in my entire life, I said, (shrugging my shoulders and guessing), - "Um, from the INCISION???"

She responded, "It's just like having a cyst removed." - (well, how the HELL would I know what it's like to have a cyst removed??)

I finally realized this chat was futile and gave up on trying to get her to write me a prescription for Percocet, (or something stronger than usual,) in advance of the surgery.

Later, on surgery morning, I was lying on a gurney, awaiting the surgeon, Dr. McCready. He introduced me to the anaesthetist, to go over things before I was put under. Again, I brought up the subject of pain relief and was told I would get Tylenol 3 when I leave the hospital, - until I requested Percocet. He agreed to allow this, but not before stating emphatically that this surgery is not generally associated with much pain! (have you HAD this surgery Doc??)

Having lived with the effects of the surgery for 12 days now, I can authoritatively say, it DOES involve pain. (at least, for me). Now, the incision on the breast, (for the lumpectomy), appears to be excellent. Healing extremely well. No sharp, shooting jolts - only HUGE bruising, insane swelling and lots of throbbing.

The breast itself looks better than I ever thought possible. I'm so happy. I still have my breast! The bruising is massive, the swelling, still Raquel Welch huge - (which isn't bad folks!), but I know it won't last forever. (and with THIS kind of pain, no thanks on size alteration in the future - won't be asking for implants in my lifetime!)

But the ongoing worst problem is dealing with the pain under the arm, where the Sentinel lymph nodes were removed. Still extremely intense pain, - even though I'd read in the Dr. Susan Love Breast Book - and online, that women who only have Sentinel nodes removed - (and NOT axillary lymph node surgery), don't often encounter the kind of pain and swelling I've undergone.

The Breast Book talks about lymph node operations and surgery, saying there are, "18 sensations after breast cancer surgery." They include these descriptive words:

Tender, sore, pull, ache, painful, twinge, tight, stiff, prick, throb, shoot, tingle, numb, burn, hard, sharp, nag and penetrate.

Yep. That pretty well sums it up. I have had ALL of the above - especially burning and numbness.

The book continues to say, "Some sensations are still present five years after Sentinel node biopsy. Tenderness remained in about 33 percent of women after five years." Great to hear.

The wild amount of numbness, running all down the back of my right arm, from shoulder to elbow, (coupled with heavy pain in the same area), makes it very difficult to do much of anything - especially driving (in a car with a gear shift!), and most daily chores - (hauling garbage, lugging grocery bags, washing my hair in the shower, and the ever-delightful changing-piles-of-cat litter). Each day since surgery, the numb sensations have increased, reaching an all-time high today.

I have NO idea what to expect on Friday the 13th, when I go back to the surgeon for pathology results. Praying for good news. Sam will be with me in case I faint.

While in No Frills today, I was astonished to find myself wandering the aisles, feeling very weak and spacey, (no drugs - just tired and drained from all the pain). My daughter, Kate, calls this feeling, "Being tuned to a lower frequency"

I kept picking out more and more fruit. It was as though someone was actually willing me to buy more fruit for some unknown reason - even mangos! Seconds later, I felt something really strange come over me, which freaked me out. Have never believed in the concept of getting messages from the other side, but it suddenly felt as though Mum was telling me that everything was going to be OK. I didn't see or hear her in any way, but the full extent of the words I FELT I may have been receiving from her, was only that - Everything is going to be OK. If this IS what you were saying to me Mum, I thank you and will choose to believe that is the truth.

Why today?

May 6/11

This is a day I've been particularly looking forward to for a long time, so why am I suddenly having such problems? Never a dull moment, as usual. Way back in early January, (before I knew I had cancer), my sister, Carrie, found out The Nylons are coming to town to perform in concert at Hugh's Room on May 6th. She suggested a bunch of us go for dinner and show. Her ex-husband, Garth, (who has remained a lifelong friend to her - and to ALL of us, and is father of their incredible son, Lee) in IN the group and we haven't had the chance to see him perform in a very long time, so Sam, Kate, Max and I said yes. An extravagant evening, but one we knew would be fun and very memorable. The response continued to grow and now, there are 12 of us going tonight, including several of Garth's family members, whom we adore.

Two months after Carrie came up with this idea, I got the diagnosis of cancer on March 9th, and booked a surgery date of April 27th, but still hoped to be able to attend, since the surgery would be over and I'd be recuperating.

So, why today, of all days, have some things taken a turn for the worse? The pain under the arm is as bad as it's ever been, and the numbness in right arm, from shoulder to elbow has become exceedingly insane, making it difficult to do things and causing me all kinds of strange sensations from jolts and jumps to nausea and all-over weakness. It's hard to track or predict this recovery, as things change moment by moment.

I've tried to rest most of the day to save my energy for tonight, but as of 3 p.m., not great. Am hoping a shower will help revive and make me feel a little better, as we need to leave by about 5:30 to get there.

The members of The Nylons are releasing a new CD in the summer, but advance copies will be available tonight and they'll be singing lots of the new numbers. (including the coolest-ever version of the theme song from Spiderman!) The Nylons website

Well, that's the latest. I am going to try to do what that Oprah guest I've often quoted had to say, which is to, "Walk THROUGH the pain." (or, in this case, all the above-mentioned weird, annoying and sickening symptoms).

After the shower/hair and makeup routine, maybe I can then also live by the words of Billy Crystal as his famous character, Fernanado, "Darling, it is better to LOOK good than to FEEL good!" Wish me luck! (and remember, - "YOU LOOK MAHVELLOUS!!"



Garth's brother, our amazing pal, Franc, told me they'd all get me to this show tonight if they have to CARRY me! I hope they won't need to and that I can walk in on my own two feet!

Cheers for now!

I'm driving!! (yikes)

May 5/11

Finally decided - time to try and take a drive in my car, after
8 days of staying at home, (only WALKING to Broadview and Danforth a couple of times). It's the longest I've been without wheels, except for our annual one-week visit to Fern Resort each year in August, when Sam does all the driving in a rented van - (in order to cram in the massive amount of luggage required for a "high-maintenance" woman, plus clothing, accessories and extras for the needs of TWO teenage kids!)
Note: You can click on photo to "enlarge!" (hoo haw!)

Finally going for a drive - 8 days after surgery!

Was pretty excited about getting behind the wheel again. For anyone who's interested, I've always had a hard-and-fast pact with myself. Won't drive if I've had even ONE SIP of wine, and also won't drive if I've taken a drug of any nature, even an aspirin. So, after a full day without ANY pain meds, - (despite tons of throbbing), I chose to drive the six blocks to Loblaws and Shoppers and see how it goes. I needed to pick up 12-packs of pop. They were OUT of ALL the pop I needed at the IGA, so Loblaws had to be hit.

I was SO happy to be back in my car. Thought it would be a piece of cake. Wrong. It started OUT that way. Fantastic to have the freedom to drive anywhere. But, pretty soon, I discovered, it was tougher than I had anticipated. My right arm is SO damn sore and numb (from the elbow to the shoulder). Even though I removed the steri-strips under the arm and thought all was well, found out, the pain and numbness is still pretty crazy and intense. While pulling out of the parking lot behind Shoppers, I thought, "Uh-oh, this isn't good." Major pain happening. Drove right home. (Might wait another couple of days before trying THAT again!)

I'm still "intact!"

On the PLUS side, (and I'm being really frank here again - so, don't read, if you don't like the unvarnished truth), - as you may know from past blog entries, I was VERY apprehensive about losing much of my right breast. But, at this point, I've been so happy to see the aesthetic results of my surgeon's breast-conserving therapy. (I specifically wore this chocolate- brown tank top, given to me by my sister-in-law, Carolyn, a few years ago, to prove I'm still "together.") I know things may change when I see Dr. McCready again on Friday May 13th, and get further pathology results, (PLEASE let all be well), but at this moment, I couldn't be more ecstatic about what I've seen after the surgery. I still have a figure. Winning! (Thank you, Charlie Sheen for all your positive - and weird words, - even though, you have NO idea who I am!!)
One gear, one speed - GO!!!!