Pain - and tuned to a lower frequency

May 9/11

I've been trying hard to avoid concentrating on the subject of pain for a day or two, because I'm quite sure anyone who checks this blog is sick to death of hearing about it. Not to harp on it, - but what the hell...pain is a BIG issue for me, and sadly, cancer treatment involves pain, - so I will!

I don't enjoy scaring women who may be about to undergo these same procedures, and please realize, I am ONLY reporting my OWN personal experience! Many other women have had these procedures and gotten through them, apparently, relatively pain-free. I salute them, and am HAPPY for them. - (but am not ONE of them!)

My own GP, (as I've written before), has been my doctor for 40 years. She's kind, caring and has watched over the health of my family
all of these years. That's why I've stayed with her - because she is sympathetic and knows EVERYTHING about our history. Yet, when I came to see her a few weeks before my breast cancer surgery, expressing intense fear about surgical pain in regards to the upcoming lumpectomy and removal of Sentinel nodes for biopsy/testing, she looked at me quizzically and asked, calmly, (and, in MY mind, - insanely), "What would the pain be COMING from?? - Are you friggin' kidding me Doc?" This MUST be a candid camera hoax!

She ended up repeating the exact same question a SECOND time, later in our conversation! Not having ever undergone surgery in my entire life, I said, (shrugging my shoulders and guessing), - "Um, from the INCISION???"

She responded, "It's just like having a cyst removed." - (well, how the HELL would I know what it's like to have a cyst removed??)

I finally realized this chat was futile and gave up on trying to get her to write me a prescription for Percocet, (or something stronger than usual,) in advance of the surgery.

Later, on surgery morning, I was lying on a gurney, awaiting the surgeon, Dr. McCready. He introduced me to the anaesthetist, to go over things before I was put under. Again, I brought up the subject of pain relief and was told I would get Tylenol 3 when I leave the hospital, - until I requested Percocet. He agreed to allow this, but not before stating emphatically that this surgery is not generally associated with much pain! (have you HAD this surgery Doc??)

Having lived with the effects of the surgery for 12 days now, I can authoritatively say, it DOES involve pain. (at least, for me). Now, the incision on the breast, (for the lumpectomy), appears to be excellent. Healing extremely well. No sharp, shooting jolts - only HUGE bruising, insane swelling and lots of throbbing.

The breast itself looks better than I ever thought possible. I'm so happy. I still have my breast! The bruising is massive, the swelling, still Raquel Welch huge - (which isn't bad folks!), but I know it won't last forever. (and with THIS kind of pain, no thanks on size alteration in the future - won't be asking for implants in my lifetime!)

But the ongoing worst problem is dealing with the pain under the arm, where the Sentinel lymph nodes were removed. Still extremely intense pain, - even though I'd read in the Dr. Susan Love Breast Book - and online, that women who only have Sentinel nodes removed - (and NOT axillary lymph node surgery), don't often encounter the kind of pain and swelling I've undergone.

The Breast Book talks about lymph node operations and surgery, saying there are, "18 sensations after breast cancer surgery." They include these descriptive words:

Tender, sore, pull, ache, painful, twinge, tight, stiff, prick, throb, shoot, tingle, numb, burn, hard, sharp, nag and penetrate.

Yep. That pretty well sums it up. I have had ALL of the above - especially burning and numbness.

The book continues to say, "Some sensations are still present five years after Sentinel node biopsy. Tenderness remained in about 33 percent of women after five years." Great to hear.

The wild amount of numbness, running all down the back of my right arm, from shoulder to elbow, (coupled with heavy pain in the same area), makes it very difficult to do much of anything - especially driving (in a car with a gear shift!), and most daily chores - (hauling garbage, lugging grocery bags, washing my hair in the shower, and the ever-delightful changing-piles-of-cat litter). Each day since surgery, the numb sensations have increased, reaching an all-time high today.

I have NO idea what to expect on Friday the 13th, when I go back to the surgeon for pathology results. Praying for good news. Sam will be with me in case I faint.

While in No Frills today, I was astonished to find myself wandering the aisles, feeling very weak and spacey, (no drugs - just tired and drained from all the pain). My daughter, Kate, calls this feeling, "Being tuned to a lower frequency"

I kept picking out more and more fruit. It was as though someone was actually willing me to buy more fruit for some unknown reason - even mangos! Seconds later, I felt something really strange come over me, which freaked me out. Have never believed in the concept of getting messages from the other side, but it suddenly felt as though Mum was telling me that everything was going to be OK. I didn't see or hear her in any way, but the full extent of the words I FELT I may have been receiving from her, was only that - Everything is going to be OK. If this IS what you were saying to me Mum, I thank you and will choose to believe that is the truth.

First day home

April 28/11

What a crazy 24 hours. Before leaving the hospital, I was given two Percocets. By the time I got home, about half an hour later, was so happy to find the pills worked very well - in fact, much better than the Morphine drip for the pain. I was able to relax on the couch for a while, and actually slept a bit. (even though it meant missing the singing performance of James, my fave guy on Idol). Later, my son, Max, offered to help get me upstairs to bed. I was so dizzy and nauseous. He grabbed the meds and a gingerale and followed me up the stairs to be sure I made it. Then he helped me get into a bathrobe and I eased, gingerly into bed, which was quite a challenge, and then, arranged a big fluffy pillow under my arm to stop the incisions from pressing down anywhere. Next thing I knew, it was morning and I had slept for about 8 hours. Hallelujah!

Early today, the pain was very intense, but not quite as bad as yesterday. I took two Percocets, but by 10 a.m., was feeling another strange kind of pain. I'll be frank here - why the hell not? I've talked about everything else in the book. Won't stop now. Went to a mirror to look at the bandaging/dressing (which I hadn't really checked out before). Was surprised to see it covered almost the entire breast - like I was wearing half a bra, and went right up under the arm (where the nodes were taken).

But more surprising that that, was the size of the breast! With all the surgery and the amount of tissue taken, I was expecting something much smaller! But this boob now looks like a Pamela Anderson implant! Finally figured out it was massive swelling! No one had warned me of this, nor had I read about swelling in any of my research or seen it in any of my books.
(guess I was too busy reading about pain!)

Looked it up in the Dr. Susan Love Breast Book, and swelling isn't even in the INDEX! What the heck? Checked it out online and discovered that swelling is very common, especially for women who have had lymph nodes removed - but NOT so common for those who only had Sentinel lymph nodes taken. (naturally, I have to be different!)

I know this won't last, but it's been sort fun, in a weird way, to think that I'm now "bigger" than before! Once the swelling dies down and the dressing comes off, I guess I'm in for another big shock, but for now, look out Pammy! hee hee

Flowers from friends!

I received so many nice things today - gorgeous flowers from several friends and family members, (thank you Mary, Danielle, Debbie, Jan, Arlen, Sean and Robin!), gourmet mac and cheese delivered for dinner tonight from my beautiful cousin, Marilyn, a gift card for Mastercard so we can order in dinner and no one will have to cook, (thankyou Sarah and Jason!), a beautiful get-well card from my Dad, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, etc.

I want to thank a special friend who has helped me through this since day one (she knows who she is!) She's very private, so won't mention her name, but will say thank you for ALL the hysterical laughs (and for sharing the tears).

My doctor friend Karen, in Michigan, has helped me with so much medical info and advice and I thank her for being there, and of course, to my best friends, Franelle and Joanne (and her husband, Bruce), who have been there for "daily updates" and given me so much support - (in ways I can't even describe here!), and in the case of Bruce, (Emmy winning comedy writer), - TONS of laughs. He's been going through his OWN pain, after breaking a finger. His hand has been wrapped up as tightly as my boob! Hope they can straighten it out for you Bruce!

Caught up with my high school pal, Jeffrey, who surprised me with messages and phone calls which cheered me immensely.

Have also been exchanging incredible emails with an old and special friend I never expected to catch up with again in my life and it's just been a "blastola" (a word I stole from Tom Hanks after he used it in an interview with me many years ago). Hugs to you!

I can't name everyone here, just too many, but all my family and friends have been rooting for me and I'm quite sure you have ALL played a role in getting me to this point!

I won't see my surgeon again until May 13th, after the pathology tests are in. Only then will I learn if they "got it all" or if I have to face more surgery. Seems like a long way off.