Lain's Log

Just GOTTA know!

April 21/11 (part two!)

While undergoing the ultrasound at Princess Margaret, my brain was haunted by worrisome thoughts about the radioactive dye I’ll need to have injected into the areola next Tuesday in preparation for the sentinel lymph node removal/biopsy. Couldn’t get the horror stories out of my mind, (told by some of the women who had undergone this brutal test WITHOUT a Lidocaine injection).

When a nice lady doctor came in to check my ultrasound results, I asked if she knew anything about these injections and if Princess Margaret Hospital uses Lidocaine to prevent pain during this test. She said it wasn’t her area so she didn’t know. However, she DOES specialize in the wire insertion procedure to be done next Wednesday morning and told me she definitely uses Lidocaine for that! (Hallelujah!) I asked if she could be my personal “wire inserter”, but she couldn’t guarantee that.

As mentioned in the last post, something came over me when I got down to the hospital lobby after the ultrasound. I was shaking, anxious and suddenly, unbelievably angry! I thought, “Stop channelling Charlie Sheen!” But Charlie wouldn’t vacate the premises, so I had to go with it. Seconds later, I finally recognized what this was. The long-forgotten, feisty, often frightening, driven, get-out-of-my-way reporter in me, had bubbled to the surface. Somebody stop me!

Then, I understood what was gnawing at me. I could no longer STAND the not-knowing if Lidocaine would be used for the boob injections! HAD to find out – somehow! There must be SOMEONE in this hospital who can tell me!

Took the elevator back up again to the ultrasound floor and asked a receptionist where I might find the exam rooms for breast dye injections. He didn’t know, but directed me to the office of the infamous Fe, (secretary for my surgeon, Dr. McCready). I was finally going to meet her in person!

Upon finding Fe, she explained the injections are actually done at Mount Sinai - (not here at Princess Margaret). I asked her if they use Lidocaine, but Fe didn’t know either.

Luckily, Mt. Sinai is right next door, so high-tailed it over. Found the Nuclear Medicine Department and went to speak to the receptionist. There were several people in the waiting room and this was kind of embarrassing, so I spoke quietly. Here’s our conversation.

Me: “I’m coming in for an injection appointment next Tuesday afternoon and would like to ask a question about the procedure”.
Her: “They’re all at lunch!”
Me: “Do you know when they’ll be back?”
Her: “They just left. They’ll be back in one hour!”
Me: “Well, perhaps YOU might know the answer.”
Her: “What is it?”
Me: “I’d like to know if they use Lidocaine when they do this procedure.”
Her: “What’s Lidocaine??”
(I kid you not!)
Me: “It’s a drug used so you don’t feel pain during the procedure.”
Her: “I don’t know anything about that. Why don’t you just ask the doctor when you come for the procedure?”
Me: “Because I’m suffering a lot of anxiety and would like to know the answer to this NOW, and not have to wait through the whole long holiday weekend. Could I stay and wait to see someone?”
Her: “Suit yourself.”

After that brief (and useless) encounter, I got an idea. On the way into reception, I noticed a locked office door with a sign saying Nuclear Medicine – staff lunch room, and heard voices inside. Again, slipping into intrepid reporter mode, I thought, ‘What would I have done if I’d wanted to track down a celebrity inside that room?’ – I’d do a stake-out, wait for the door to open and attack!

I camped out front of the lunch room and waited. Minutes later, the door opened and a man stepped out. Was going to nab him, but watched to see if he would go into the reception area and grab him in there. He didn’t. He went to the washroom! So, I waited till he came out and then approached him. (I had NO idea if he even had a connection to this department).

I approached this man and said softly, “Excuse me, could you help me for a moment?” He stopped and said yes. I told him my name and that I would be coming here next Tuesday for the procedure to get four dye injections in the breast in preparation for a sentinel lymph node biopsy. I then asked him if he has anything to do with this procedure. His response was, (drum roll please), “I’m the head of the whole department!” (WHAAAAAAAAATTTTT?) Can you believe this? EPIC WINNING!

At this point, I was losing it. I started to say, “I’m really sorry, but I’m extremely apprehensive about having this procedure done,” – and then, just broke into tears. Nothing I could do to stop them – right in front of this poor guy who has never met me in his life. He was so kind and sympathetic despite my weeping. I told him about all the women’s comments who had so much pain and then finally got to ask my one question to someone directly in-the-know. I said breathlessly, “Do you use Lidocaine when you do this procedure?” He answered, “No.” I was crestfallen.

I asked, “Why not?” He explained several reasons, including that it means one MORE needle when you’re already going to have four. I said, “Yes, that’s true, but that one needle deadens the pain for the others!” I also explained that I’d had Lidocaine for the core needle biopsy and felt NO pain at all. He responded, “But a core needle biopsy really HURTS!” I shot back, “But from what I understand, THIS procedure KILLS!”

When he insisted it’s really not that bad, the needles don’t go in very far, etc., I told him I’d read about women screaming, jumping off the table and even fleeing the room. He said this never happens.

I told him I’d read a great report about a study done in which Lidocaine was mixed in WITH the dye and that the women who were given this mixture felt very little pain. He asked if I could bring the study with me and show him next week. I told him I’d be delighted.

Finally, I asked if he would BE here next Tuesday at 3 when I have my appointment and he said he would. Had one last question for him. “Could you hook me up with the best person for ME, - someone who won’t HURT??” He smiled and said he could try. I thanked him and went back down to the lobby, happy that I had the chance to meet him.

Sometimes, persistence pays off. I didn’t get the answer I WANTED, but at least I KNOW. I completely forgot to ask him about the Emla cream (topical anaesthetic for the skin). Drat.

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Stop this Train

April 15/11

I’ve always hated roller coasters. After taking the plunge and riding a massive one many years ago at Canada’s Wonderland, (and being nauseous for two days afterwards), the very thought of getting back on has always made me feel ill. Wouldn’t you know, I was forced to board this one, the day I discovered a lump on February 4th, and it’s been nothing but ups and downs ever since – with plenty more scary swoops and nosedives ahead.

One of my favourite songs is John Mayer’s Stop This Train. The lyrics are so brilliant, as they seem to fit any situation you can conjure up. To quote him:

Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t, but honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

In a later verse, he adds:

See once in a while when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
‘till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark

Then John wraps it up:

Singing stop this train, I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take this speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
‘cause now I see, I’ll NEVER stop this train.

That’s the way I feel right now. I’ll never be able to stop this train and I’m in for the ride of my life – and as Regis Philbin would say, “It’s outta CONTROL!!”

All I can hope is, it’ll be a train ride, not a train wreck.

Was hoping for MRI results today, but nope. Another weekend without knowing.

One good whistle stop along the way today was hearing from Cynthia Mulligan of CITY TV. This beautiful reporter was my inspiration to launch a blog, after she went through her own nine month breast cancer journey and chronicled it all online. Though I’ve never met Cynthia, I wrote her about Lain’s Log and asked if I could speak to her about her experience. She responded, saying she knew my work from the Global TV days (which surprised me) and offered to speak with me or even have coffee together so I can ask a few questions to help face my fears.

Having read her positive, upbeat posts, I can’t imagine Cynthia ever even thinking to say, “Stop this train.”


Kate covers Stop This Train


John Mayer covers himself! (Just fantastic!)

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I'll do it!!

March 23/11

By now, everybody must be sick to death of my fears. (Well, if you can't take hearing about fear, log on to somebody else's blog who's courageous! You ain't gonna find much courage 'round here).

I've never been good with the unknown or with pain. It amazes me to know that some people are! To give you an example, from age 4 to age 18, I cried and cried, every single Labour Day Monday, petrified about going to school the next day on Tuesday. (I always said the back-to-school Tuesday after Labour Day, "SMELLED nervous out"). My poor Mum would hear me, every year, paralyzed with fear about returning to school. I was practically sick with anxiety, even if it was the same school, new grade. ALWAYS hated the unknown. WHY IS THIS?

Then, one Labour Day night, (wish I could recall how old I was), Mum said to me, "There comes a time for courage!" (if you've been following this blog, you'll be laughing here).

My Mum's comment didn't help much at all. (sorry Mum). I still cried my eyes out (just like the Cowardly Lion), but NOW, all these years later, I think back to SO many times when Mum had to call upon her OWN courage to go forward into all those awful surgeries.

I'm trying hard to lean on those words she said to me way back when, and perhaps even "borrow" her courage, to push and propel myself through this journey. Good Lord. If SHE could do, I can do it.
(and as my son, Max often says, "I'LL DO IT!!!!")

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One giant step

March 20/11

The big appointment with Dr. David McCready at Princess Margaret Hospital is tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. I can barely breathe I'm so scared. Fear is not my forte. Never has been. I'm so frightened right now that even the thought of walking into this man's office makes me want to run the other way, but I know I can't. I've never fainted in my life, but at the moment, feel like buying stock in smelling salts. My heart is racing so fast. (now I'm starting to sound like my late Mum, who always suffered from palpitations!)


The "home team" - Kate, Sam, Max and me!


To take my mind off everything, Sam, Max and I decided to attend Kate's solo concert at the Tarragon Theatre tonight. She's performing there as part of the Paprika Festival. Turned out to be one of the best concerts she's ever done! Mostly her own music, plus a few covers thrown in, including her great version of Drake's Best I Ever Had, plus her take on Rebecca Black's hilarious Friday. She just did SUCH a great job! And the crowd was terrific. (thanks to sister Carrie for coming to support her and to all Kate's friends!)



Just as we left the concert together, my sister, Carrie, gave me a tiny card and wished me good luck on Monday. I read it in the car. It said:
"Lain, I will be thinking of you all tomorrow. Keep me posted. Call anytime! I thought the flowers on the front of this card looked like breasts! (and that's what we're thinkin' about here!) Love you. Use the strength and courage I know you have! Good luck Jim! Love, Carrie."


Carrie - best sister on the planet


Note: The "Jim" reference goes way back to Mission Impossible. Whenever that announcer guy on the tape machine said to Jim Phelps, "Should you decide to accept this mission," etc., he always ended it with, "Good luck Jim!" We stole that line and have used it pretty much daily ever since!


Peter Graves as "Jim Phelps" - Mission Impossible - "Good luck, Jim!"


Later in the evening, when we got back from the concert, my cousins, Kevan, Marilyn, Sacha, her boyfriend, Mark and my Auntie Ray called me and put me on speaker phone. They were all having dinner together and wanted to wish me well with the Dr. McCready consult tomorrow. Naturally, I was in tears. I have such a kind and supportive family. We've been through so much together over the past five months, with the death of Uncle Ev (Kevan's father/Auntie Ray's husband), and my Mum (Auntie Ray's sister, Kevan's Aunt). I've learned that my family is small but mighty. Hear us roar. (take THAT Cowardly Lion!)

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The unknown

March 17/11

After learning of my fear, especially fear of the unknown, several friends and family members have tried to help me through it.

My old pal, TV writer Bill Brioux says "Be strong, kick ass, feel the support."

I looked back at old notes which came from my late Uncle Ev, who was faced with so many surgeries and setbacks. His advice was, "Look into yourself and find your own coping mechanism. Whatever works."

After speaking with my sister about "the meaning of life," we both came to the conclusion that what's most important is the people. Those who are your family and friends. The ones you care about and who care about you.


Cashmere, velvet, bandanas & fedoras, baby!


I've decided, at least today, that MY "coping mechanism" HAS to be my kids, Kate and Max. I HAVE to see the directions they go and the way their lives turn out and be there to watch it all happen. They're the reason I've got to kick ass.

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White Choral Bells and fear

March 16/11

Some days I feel OK. Other days, I just want to scream. Today, I'm in a horrible state, mad at the fucking world. I'm about to go all "Sheeney" on everyone, so look out.

Woke up in the morning with a song running over and over in my head. It's a song I haven't thought about in decades. Mum used to sing it with Carrie and me as a roundelay when we were kids. Why do I think of it now? Here are the words.

White choral bells upon a slender stalk
Lilies of the valley deck my garden walk
Oh, don't you wish that you could hear them ring,
That will happen only when the fairies sing.

Don't know if Mum was trying to tell me something, but just hearing this song in my mind was making me cry. I'm wishing fairies could wave their wands and make this all go away. Then, after making that wish, my brain visualizes a tidal wave crashing into me.

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