Lain's Log

Thinking out loud

May 28/11

Went on a "photo shoot" today in the Beaches. Sam was the photog and took some pics on the boardwalk and by the lake.

Quite often these days, people will ask how I'm doing, or coping. My stock answer is, "Hangin' in there." But let me see if I can actually formulate a response to those questions.

It's hard to describe what I'm feeling of late, except to say, my mind and heart seem to be living in a state of "heightened intensity." Everything seems bigger, more important, more "white hot" than it used to be. It's how I imagine it might feel being on a mind-bending drug, like LSD, (although I'm completely drug-free). In some ways, I guess it's fun and trippy, but on the flip side, kinda scary.

(Click pics to enlarge, so you, too, can "duplicate" my heightened state of reality!)

What to DO with this burning excess energy and mind-racing, I'm not sure, except to just let 'er rip and take off where ever it wants to go, hoping it won't spin out of control or hit a wall.

Is it out there? Over the top? Hormonal? Possible I guess. Or is it simply the way someone responds when "normal life" is tossed right out of whack? My whole way of thinking seems distorted, skewed, conflicted. I want to do things differently, explore, thrill-seek, electrify, feel things more deeply, live, talk to people I can't reach, see people I know I can't see.

I AM clear on one thing. Part of this is body-related. I'm so happy Dr. McCready was able to save my breast (since I've always loved having them - see March 28th blog entry - "The Love of Breasts" in March archive!), and it's a kick being slimmer and able to wear tight clothes, if I so desire - (after all those horrifying hospital gowns!), and to feel like a real woman again.

I don't want to go gentle into that good night - but to burn and rave at close of day - and rage, rage against the dying of the light! (thank you Dylan Thomas. You got THAT right!)

I want to put it out there! (but what's IT? - and WHERE?) No clue.
Maybe right here, and just for ME, so I know I'm alive. Or maybe, for YOU, (whomever is reading). Look out!

See what I mean? "Heightened reality." As William Shatner would say,
"Weird or what??"

And to quote Norman Bates (my all-time favourite horror movie character from Psycho), "We ALL go a little mad sometimes, haven't you?"

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